The loss of a pet is never easy. When a pet passes, the whole family goes through a period of mourning, but for children this period may seem even more devastating and confusing. A pet loss is often the first experience a child has with death. Oftentimes they may feel confused, angry, or even scared. It is important for us to understand how children cope so we can help them come to terms with the loss of their beloved pet.
Many children consider their pet to be their best friend, or even a sibling. Their pet is not just an animal, it is a part of their family.
A study cited in a New York Times article stated:
In a study of 12 children ages 6 to 13 who had lost a pet, published in the journal Environmental Education Research, Dr. Russell found that even years after the pet’s death, some children still described the loss as “the worst day of their lives.” He also discovered that children come up with unique ways to rationalize their pet’s passing and that the way a pet dies influences how children grieve.
“Children, in particular, have a distinct sense of existential fairness around whether or not an animal lived until an appropriate age,” Dr. Russell said.”
According to these facts, children may accept the loss of a pet better if they know it is coming. If you have an older pet who is ill, this gives you time to discuss what may soon happen to the pet. This conversation will be difficult, but you can take this opportunity to teach your child compassion by asking him or her to help you keep the pet as comfortable as possible in their final stages of life. Explain to your child that the pet has lived a beautiful, happy life.
On the other hand, if you have recently lost your pet during a tragic accident, this can more harshly affect your child. They may come to the realization that life can end abruptly, in an instant. This type of realization can be difficult for a child to process.
So, what can you do to help your child?
The best thing you can do is to communicate openly with your child. When explaining a pet’s death, keep your explanations in simple, age-appropriate language. If your child thinks that the pet may have died because of something they did, reassure them that such is not the case. Younger kids have a difficult time wrapping their minds around death. A pediatric psychologist at the Cleveland Clinic Children’s Hospital explains how children view death below.
“The age of the child will determine how he or she understands death. Children from 2 years old to 5 years old might not understand the pet is dead,” Osborne says. “Children 8 years old and up, in many cases, do understand that death is irreversible. (Younger) kids can’t wrap their minds around the concept of death,” Knight says. “(Parents) have to explain it in the simplest terms.”
Parents should not hide the reasons why the pet has died or use phrases that might confuse or create fear within the child. Commonly used phrases are “The pet went to sleep” or “We put the pet to sleep” or “The pet went away.
Children define death based on their own personal experiences,” says Dr. Margaret Richards, PH.D., A.B.P.P.
How a parent explains death to a child may frighten them. For instance, if a parent tells a child “Fluffy went to sleep and never woke up again,” she said, “the child might think he or she might never wake up again.”
Richards suggests using terms such as the pet got very sick or the pet died and its breathing or heart stopped. In addition, try not to overwhelm the child with too much medical jargon.
“Be open and honest, “Osborne says. “Explain to the child exactly what happened in basic age-appropriate terms.”
It is important to be open and honest and explain to your child exactly what happened in basic, age-appropriate terms. You should also note that some children may begin showing signs of anger towards other pets or may incorporate a pet dying into their playtime. Both of these reactions are common, and it is important to let children express their emotions safely and discuss their feelings. Even if your child has repeated the same question many times, answer them in a calm manner so they can work through their grieving process.
How to memorialize your pet
After your child has come to terms with the loss of their pet, it can be helpful to involve them in the memorialization process, no matter how young the child is. Below are some examples of how to include your child in the process.
Before bringing in your pet for cremation, offer your child the opportunity to keep an item that belonged to the pet, such as a collar.
Take a few minutes to sit down with your child and draw a picture of the pet and help them write a letter to him or her.
Let your child help gather or print photos of your pet and put them in a special memorial album.
Gather your family members together and share special memories of the time you spent with your pet.
Let your child pick a personalized memorial item from our catalog so they can always keep their pet with them.
When it comes to your child and pet loss, it is important to have open communication. Offer reassurance and closure to help them through their grieving process.